Selfishness!!!!!!!!!!

As of today I am now down 31 lbs. It has been a long hard 6 month fight, but I am still motivated and still fighting. However, I do feel horrible about myself and need to get it off my chest. Perhaps I need some kick to the head or a wake up call. I'm sure a kick to the head would be quite the wake up call. So perhaps I'll get a two for one!! :)

My best friend of 10 years, is also a heavy girl. For about 2 years we were inseparable and spent every waking moment with each other. During this time, we were each other's worst enemy. We would pig out and eat all kind of garbage and the other wouldn't even bat an eye at us. We were a train wreck really. During this time I reached my highest weight of 255 lbs. I was miserable. My BFF was quite a bit slimmer than I, but as her fat friend I feel like I enabled her to gain weight along with me. Our 2 year damage fest quickly slowed down, when we both got married and had children. We didn't have all that time to spend with each other anymore. We were and are still very close.

So there's our background. So fast forward about 8 years later and here we are 6 months ago. My BFF was desperate to lose weight and even considered gaining weight so that she would qualify for Lap Band. I kept yelling at her telling her how great I was feeling, and trying to motivate her to hop on the bandwagon with me. She was very reluctant until 4 weeks ago. She ended up seeing a doctor and they suggested this appetite suppressant, mega energy pill thing. I'm still not quite sure exactly what it is. In combination with this magic pill, she has also cut her calories to about 1500. In these last 4 weeks she has lost an amazing 19 lbs. I am astounded. She is also doing it without even working out.

So here's where my selfishness and kick to the head comes in. Every time I get a text message from her I want to just scream. It's always 1 lb down, 1.2 lbs down. Over and over and over again. I am happy for her really!! But somewhere in my sick twisted head, I want her to fail. I want her to gain some weight and fall off the bandwagon. This is my BFF!!!! What the hell is wrong with me. I just don't get it.

I am so happy for all of you when you drop weight, sometimes so proud of the things you have all accomplished. I get sad when you have a rough time, and wish so badly to help you pick up the pieces and get back to it. So why do I want bad things for my one friend I would do anything for?? I know that I am VERY jealous of the fact she can drop 19 lbs in 4 weeks and it takes me 6 months to drop 31. Perhaps I am fearful that she will just blow by me and drop all her weight while I'm still riding that train up the mountain.

I'm sad that I feel this way. And am trying everything I can to get rid of it. Perhaps baring all my demons to you all will help me overcome this jealousy and selfishness. I hate the weight devils and the things they do to us all. I just want to be happy for her, and happy for myself at the same time.

Thanks for listening and I'm ready for the kicks to the head now!! Let the beating begin!!!!!