Monday, July 20, 2009


As of today I am now down 31 lbs. It has been a long hard 6 month fight, but I am still motivated and still fighting. However, I do feel horrible about myself and need to get it off my chest. Perhaps I need some kick to the head or a wake up call. I'm sure a kick to the head would be quite the wake up call. So perhaps I'll get a two for one!! :)

My best friend of 10 years, is also a heavy girl. For about 2 years we were inseparable and spent every waking moment with each other. During this time, we were each other's worst enemy. We would pig out and eat all kind of garbage and the other wouldn't even bat an eye at us. We were a train wreck really. During this time I reached my highest weight of 255 lbs. I was miserable. My BFF was quite a bit slimmer than I, but as her fat friend I feel like I enabled her to gain weight along with me. Our 2 year damage fest quickly slowed down, when we both got married and had children. We didn't have all that time to spend with each other anymore. We were and are still very close.

So there's our background. So fast forward about 8 years later and here we are 6 months ago. My BFF was desperate to lose weight and even considered gaining weight so that she would qualify for Lap Band. I kept yelling at her telling her how great I was feeling, and trying to motivate her to hop on the bandwagon with me. She was very reluctant until 4 weeks ago. She ended up seeing a doctor and they suggested this appetite suppressant, mega energy pill thing. I'm still not quite sure exactly what it is. In combination with this magic pill, she has also cut her calories to about 1500. In these last 4 weeks she has lost an amazing 19 lbs. I am astounded. She is also doing it without even working out.

So here's where my selfishness and kick to the head comes in. Every time I get a text message from her I want to just scream. It's always 1 lb down, 1.2 lbs down. Over and over and over again. I am happy for her really!! But somewhere in my sick twisted head, I want her to fail. I want her to gain some weight and fall off the bandwagon. This is my BFF!!!! What the hell is wrong with me. I just don't get it.

I am so happy for all of you when you drop weight, sometimes so proud of the things you have all accomplished. I get sad when you have a rough time, and wish so badly to help you pick up the pieces and get back to it. So why do I want bad things for my one friend I would do anything for?? I know that I am VERY jealous of the fact she can drop 19 lbs in 4 weeks and it takes me 6 months to drop 31. Perhaps I am fearful that she will just blow by me and drop all her weight while I'm still riding that train up the mountain.

I'm sad that I feel this way. And am trying everything I can to get rid of it. Perhaps baring all my demons to you all will help me overcome this jealousy and selfishness. I hate the weight devils and the things they do to us all. I just want to be happy for her, and happy for myself at the same time.

Thanks for listening and I'm ready for the kicks to the head now!! Let the beating begin!!!!!


  1. I have a feeling it is HOW she is losing the weight rather than the FACT that she is losing it, that is bugging you.

    It is natural to feel a bit cheated - as you say, she is doing it with pills and you are doing it the natural way.

    I think I know who is going to keep the weight off in the long run...


    Second, FRUSTRATING!! I can see where you are coming from and that must drive you crazy and I can see where you have every right to be jealous. Although, just as the commenter said above, we shall see who keeps the weight off for the long term and is able to make this a bet is ON YOU!!

    Keep doing what you are doing and what you know how to do, although it doesn't seem fast enough it is working for you and you are changing your life for YOU and only YOU. Work to your potential ONLY. Be happy for her and pray that she is able to make the lifestyle change that you are too.

    Also, I assume that your BFF doesn't read your blog, huh?

  3. Ahhhhhhh daughter you make me sad. I really thought between Thomas and I we had you convinced that your way IS the healthy way. She is taking the easy way out (you know that) and we both know that her eating habits are really really bad, including what she feeds her family! You have incorporated your new eating habits into your family meals. You were just bragging to me the other day what healthy snacks my grandbabies were requesting. I'm incredibly proud of you and think about how you felt 31 poundss ago. It is showing in the way you look and feel. I'm yelling now....... SNAP OUT OF IT! Consult any dietician you want and they will tell you what you are doing is the best/healthiest way!! She is bragging to you but you are way ahead of her ~ and I guarantee that when the weight comes back on you won't be getting text messages bragging about you how much weight she gained. Hang in there...... You have accomplished more weight loss than you ever have!! Remember what Aunt Teresa told you about deceptively fat and deceptively thin? Your muscle will continue to burn the fat when she stops the pills what does she have? Weight gain!!! Love you tons ~ Mom.

  4. BUT YOU CAN RUN MILES AROUND HER!! That in itself makes your way BETTER! You are doing it the good honest way! Hard WORK! She might pass you by, but without working out, she might just be thinner, NOT healthier!! Dont let it get to you...YOU ARE ROCKIN!!!

  5. Thank you all for your sweet comments. I know that I should be focusing on my own weight loss and not so attentive to hers. It's just frustrating sometimes, but then again I have to look at how far I have come.

    And no she doesn't read my blog. I've mentioned it to her a few times but she has never asked for my blog address, as if she wasn't interested. Perhaps she felt the same way about me??

    I'm running 9 miles tonight, so I should feel proud of the fact that I've come this far!!

    Thank you again to all my blog friends. You are a wonderful source of motivation, reasurace, and support!!!

  6. I feel your pain. I work really hard for every little oz I lose. I think that 31 lbs in 6 months is amazing. To put it in perspective I have lose 2lb in the past 6 weeks. BUT I'm still plugging away, running and eating right because that is what I have to do. It may come easier to others but for me this is what I have to do. You do what you need to do and keep up the GREAT work.