Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Getting back to ME

I started my work week out on a good note. I made it to the gym after work last night and it felt wonderful. Never again will I go back to the gym after work as that place was INSANE!!!! There were so many people there. I'm used to going during the day when there's only a handful of people around. Definitely a new experience for me. It was also so very hot in there. Must have been the hundred bodies working out. I couldn't stand it. I made it through my strength training and then took off as I had a portrait session to get to. My goal is to make it there every day this week. I know I can do it, it's just getting my mind to work with me!! :)

This weekend was a great one. My littlest man just turned "3" yesterday and it was kind of a sad day for me. I can't believe my baby is that old already. Time for more????? Don't tell my husband I said that!!!! hee hee! We had a birthday party on Sunday for Logan and he was so dang cute. It was definitely his day. He was so overwhelmed when it came to opening presents. It was like he didn't know if he wanted to open the next present or just rip into the toys he had already opened. The funniest thing of the night was when he was opening a box that had squirt guns in it. He pulls out the squirt guns and his face just lights up. Then he says this " Oh, WOW!! These are bad ass!!!" I couldn't believe it. He had the whole room going. I was a bit embarrassed to say the least. His daddy got in trouble for that one, as that is his saying not mine!! :)

Nothing else new has really been going on. Still busy with photo shoots, work, football and home life. I'll have to post pictures soon of my football nights. He looks so dang cute in all his gear. Hope you all are well, as I have some major catching up to do!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm Failing.....

Life for me lately has been.......well what's the right word??? Let's just say the right word doesn't exist at this moment. I'm juggling my job, my photography business (that seems to explode right when I am at my breaking point), football for Joey (5 days a week, 2 hours a day and soon to be 6 days a week!), and then housework when a spare moment flashes by. I'm sinking I think. I feel guilt for not working out 100% like I was, I feel guilt for not running in over a week, I feel guilt for neglecting business priorities, I feel guilt for having a not so clean home, and I feel guilt for stretching myself so thin that at times I become a monster to my family.

I feel all of this, plus to add on to it I am so deathly afraid that since I haven't worked out like I used to for the past 2 weeks that I'm going to get fat again, and not get back to my losing. It's killing me. I can't take it anymore.

So with a heavy heavy heart, I had to give something up temporarily. The one piece of guilt that has been aching in my heart for the last few weeks. The one that is the weight of 1000 bricks. I guess I'm hoping that by "temporarily" giving this up I will be able to think more clearly and focus on what is more important, being able to spend a long life with my family. So in order to focus more on my workouts, clean eating and pure fat loss, I am giving up on my goal of my half marathon. :(

I'm very, very sad about it. But unfortunately I put too much on my plate and I need to straighten it all out. I missed my 10 mile run on Sunday, and I feel like I have failed myself and I can feel myself starting to give up on everything. Maybe if I can let go of that one heavy burden, then maybe I can get back up to where I was. Get rid of what's dragging me down.

Even though I may not be competing in the half marathon this summer, I will make it next summer. I'm proud of myself in that a few short months I have gone from not running at all to finishing a 9 mile run. I feel like I have accomplished the world already and I am perfectly content with that. I don't have to worry about these long runs and can now focus back on my shorter 4 mile runs. The runs that I love doing. I'm going to get back to what makes me happy.

Thank you to Dawn and my mom for supporting me so much. I couldn't have gotten to those 9 miles had it not been for your encouragement and constant inspiration. You are both wonderful women and I appreciate everything about you. You've given me a goal to reach for and I can't thank you enough.

I'll be back tomorrow ready for a second beginning!! 32 lbs down and counting! (No loss in 2 weeks, but no gain either!! I can live with that!)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Full Moon???

So nothing new has really been happening on the weight loss front. Eating has been good, workouts have been okay, could be a lot better, but I am working on it. :) So all in all nothing has changed. I'm okay with that for this week, but I'm attempting to rev things up a bit in hopes that it shows up on the scale next week. I ready to be under 200. Actually I am dying to be under 200. My day will come. Slowly but surely.


The one thing I do have to share is quite embarrassing. I hate a great NSV (non scale victory) today in the fact that my bi-polar lunatic boss actually complimented me. She found out through the gossip vine that I have been running and actually ran 8 miles for the second time on Monday. She stopped me and told me that all my running is paying off because I am looking wonderful. I was shocked, stunned and speechless. She NEVER compliments anyone and most often if she stops to talk to you, you shudder because it's most likely not a very good conversation. I kindly said thank you and went on my way as I was heading out to get some blood work done. As I was still stunned by this kindness I had received, I headed down the stairs, only to reach the bottom of the stairs and have my pants slip completely down to my ankles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was mortified. I quickly hiked them back up while scanning the area to make sure no body had seen me in all my glory.


I had worn my old fat pants (32 lbs ago fat pants) to work today as they are so darn comfortable. The only problem is that they have to we kind of held up when I walk as they like to slip and slide all over the place. In my state of shock, I forgot to hold them up as I was walking down the stairs. Hence the reason I lost them at the bottom. Thank god there was no one around, as I may of had to pack up my desk and look for a new job!!!


My piece of advice, is don't hold on to the fat pants. GET RID OF THEM WHILE YOU CAN!!! :) Mine are fixed temporarily with a safety pin now, so no more falling pants at least for today!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A thanks and a running partner.

After so much needed advice on my post yesterday, I have decided that I should be happy for those I love no matter what the circumstances and just need to focus on what I am doing for myself. It's all about ME time right now, and fixing myself. A big thanks goes out to my mom for always being my biggest supporter. I don't know what I would do without her. She is my rock!! Love you Mom!


I was scheduled to run 9 miles last night in order to train for my half marathon coming up in less than 4 weeks. SCARY!!!! So I went out and felt great the first 4 miles. It was the second 4 miles that kicked my butt. I only made it to 8 miles last night, as my knees were screaming for me to stop. I wanted so badly to finish up that last mile, but I also knew I needed to listen to my body. I would rather run a mile less one night than injure myself and not be able to run for weeks.


My 10 year old son decided that he was going to join me on my last 4 miles. I was sure that he would end up wanting to go back home, so I had him join me and then was going to send him back home after 1 mile as that's where we pass the trail that leads straight home. Well once we got to the 1st mile (or my 5Th mile) he decided that he was in this thing for the long haul and he wasn't going home at all. After a few short walk breaks and a stop for him to stretch, he made it all four miles (8 miles for me). I can't believe what a great job he did. I have been dying for a running partner, and low and behold, I gave birth to one. He said he had a lot of fun and wanted to go again tomorrow. Those dang kids have so much energy. Good job on your run Joey, Momma loves you!!


Monday, July 20, 2009

Selfishness!!!!!!!!!!

As of today I am now down 31 lbs. It has been a long hard 6 month fight, but I am still motivated and still fighting. However, I do feel horrible about myself and need to get it off my chest. Perhaps I need some kick to the head or a wake up call. I'm sure a kick to the head would be quite the wake up call. So perhaps I'll get a two for one!! :)

My best friend of 10 years, is also a heavy girl. For about 2 years we were inseparable and spent every waking moment with each other. During this time, we were each other's worst enemy. We would pig out and eat all kind of garbage and the other wouldn't even bat an eye at us. We were a train wreck really. During this time I reached my highest weight of 255 lbs. I was miserable. My BFF was quite a bit slimmer than I, but as her fat friend I feel like I enabled her to gain weight along with me. Our 2 year damage fest quickly slowed down, when we both got married and had children. We didn't have all that time to spend with each other anymore. We were and are still very close.

So there's our background. So fast forward about 8 years later and here we are 6 months ago. My BFF was desperate to lose weight and even considered gaining weight so that she would qualify for Lap Band. I kept yelling at her telling her how great I was feeling, and trying to motivate her to hop on the bandwagon with me. She was very reluctant until 4 weeks ago. She ended up seeing a doctor and they suggested this appetite suppressant, mega energy pill thing. I'm still not quite sure exactly what it is. In combination with this magic pill, she has also cut her calories to about 1500. In these last 4 weeks she has lost an amazing 19 lbs. I am astounded. She is also doing it without even working out.

So here's where my selfishness and kick to the head comes in. Every time I get a text message from her I want to just scream. It's always 1 lb down, 1.2 lbs down. Over and over and over again. I am happy for her really!! But somewhere in my sick twisted head, I want her to fail. I want her to gain some weight and fall off the bandwagon. This is my BFF!!!! What the hell is wrong with me. I just don't get it.

I am so happy for all of you when you drop weight, sometimes so proud of the things you have all accomplished. I get sad when you have a rough time, and wish so badly to help you pick up the pieces and get back to it. So why do I want bad things for my one friend I would do anything for?? I know that I am VERY jealous of the fact she can drop 19 lbs in 4 weeks and it takes me 6 months to drop 31. Perhaps I am fearful that she will just blow by me and drop all her weight while I'm still riding that train up the mountain.

I'm sad that I feel this way. And am trying everything I can to get rid of it. Perhaps baring all my demons to you all will help me overcome this jealousy and selfishness. I hate the weight devils and the things they do to us all. I just want to be happy for her, and happy for myself at the same time.

Thanks for listening and I'm ready for the kicks to the head now!! Let the beating begin!!!!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Graphic Post!! Enter with caution!!

Okay, so this post is very unrelated to weight loss, but I just had to share. As you may know I have two little boys. One is 10 and the other is turning 3 next month. They are wonderful children most of the time, and like typical boys get into things constantly. Again, I am warning you that you may not want to read this next part of my post if you have a bad stomach, as it is about to get pretty graphic!!! :)


























You still wanting to read this???????





























This is your second warning!!!









































Well, the other night after work, I came home, greeted the family and changed out of my work clothes. My littlest, Logan, asked to watch a movie, so I turned one on for him in my bedroom. He was happy as he got to hang out in mom's bed and watch a movie. My other son was on the computer, so I was thrilled to spend a little one on one time with my hubby. We sat on the couch together and turned on the evening news. It was really nice. About 15 minutes into our quality time, I began to smell the most awful smell. I look over to my husband trying to figure out what the smell was. He looked at me with the same wonder. I started laughing as I was trying to tell him it wasn't me that smelled like that. He seemed to think it was my feet, as they were sprawled across his lap. The nerve of him to think that such a horrible smell could come from me?????

The smell was not going away, so I called out to my oldest son to see if he had gone to the bathroom and was now smelling up my house.

He yelled back "NO,.........but why does it stink like POOP!!!

So this leaves one person left to question. I was hoping that Logan had needed to use the bathroom and had taken the liberty to do it on his own. He had really taken to the whole big boy, using the potty thing for months now. Normally he tells me when he has to go and I go in and help him.

I walked to the bathroom and found the most horrific sight I had ever seen in my life. My sweet dear child was standing in the middle of the bathroom. Only the problem was that the ENTIRE bathroom was covered in POOP!!!!! Gag me seriously.

I stood there in awe, yelling to my husband "You have got to be kidding me!!!!" There was poop smeared all over the entire floor, footprints and all, poop all over his legs, feet, hands. It was on the doors, the toilet, the cabinets, all over the door handle. I don't think there was a single spot he missed. He was VERY thorough in making sure he covered every inch of that bathroom.

As I stand there ready to cry, looking at this huge mess I have to clean up and wondering what would possibly make a child want to do this, I notice my bedroom!!!! There are poop footprints all over my bedroom leading from the bathroom. He had literally taken a break from his poop playing to walk himself into my room and watch a few minutes of his movie, only to return back to his mess making.

Seriously????? Can a child really do all of this in such a short period of time??? But he's almost 3??? Don't they do this sort of thing when they are babies, not 2 years old???? Why my child
???? Blech!!!

I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away, cry and call a cleaning company to come in and take all of this nasty mess away. This was the one time in my life where I didn't want to be a mom anymore.

My mom says that he did this because I let him play in the mud all the time and he's not afraid to get a little dirty now!! But.........THIS WASN'T MUD!!!!!!!!! Gag, Gag, Gag!!!!

Needless to say I got to scrub a bathroom and walls for about an hour, while my husband shampooed the carpet in our bedroom. I have never felt so grossed out in my entire life. I would rather give birth 100 more times than clean up that horrible mess. The smell was infused into my nostrils for hours afterwords. I think I washed myself like 10 times that night, thinking I had it somewhere on my. I would have bathed in bleach if I could have.

So when your young children are misbehaving and acting up, just remember what they could be doing! Young children and silence just do not mix!!!!!! There is trouble brewing if you can't hear them.

Does this little cutie pie look like he would ever do something like that??? He definately keeps me on my toes and I love him for it!!

So if you made it all the way through my post today, I completely understand if you never come back EVER AGAIN!!! I wouldn't blame you!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Woot! Woot!! That's me tooting my own horn!!

I've been MIA for some time now. But don't worry I've been on track, just uninspired to write!! That is until today!!!

When I started this journey of weight loss back in January, I never imagined what I could accomplish or what I was capable of accomplishing. I was fat, unhappy and extremely unmotivated to do anything. But in 6 months time I have changed my life completely. I am still fat, but on my way to healthy, I am probably the happiest I have ever been, and most of the time I feel like I could conquer the world. I have lost 30 lbs so far, nothing extreme for 6 months but I'll take it. I feel healthier and that's really all I want right now.

I'm sitting here reflecting on how far I have come because last night I accomplished something that terrified me, actually horrified me because I didn't want to fail and deep down in my heart I knew I couldn't do it. But............. last night I RAN 8 MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really did it! I set out to run 8 miles and I did it. I never gave up, (even though my mind kept telling me I was nuts for trying to run this far) and I accomplished something I never dreamed I could do. Of course I walked for about 5 minutes total throughout the run and stopped at 4 miles to take in some water and some GU (FYI - This is the grossest stuff I have ever tried to swallow!! But the boost it gave me was AMAZING!). But I still made it to 8 miles! And let me tell you I'm not walking to well this morning. Every muscle in my legs are screaming! Oh well, they'll get over it!! :) LOL

Monday, June 29, 2009

Getting there!

I have been missing in action for some time, mostly due to my crazy life at work. It is the end of fiscal year and things have been so busy, that most of the time I don't have time to think about food or even really think for that matter!! Helps the ol' waistline tremendously!!!! :)


The exercise front was pretty much non-existent last week except for a short 3 mile run. I can't begin to tell you all how guilty I feel for last week. I feel like I failed myself. I've only got a few days left of this panic before the end of the month so this will be back to "normal" soon.


I did manage to go out with the girls on Saturday, for a much needed get away. I just needed a break and some ME time. It was extremely enjoyable until we went out the the bars. I was one, very under dressed compared to the women around me, and two all my insecurities I have been working so hard to get rid of, came flooding back in a matter of 2 seconds. It was a horrible experience and after losing 30 pounds I now feel like I'm starting all over again. I was just at the point where I was feeling good about my loss, I was getting compliments, and feeling somewhat proud of what I've done so far. But this weekend made me feel like I hadn't done enough. Maybe it was good for me on the other hand. Maybe it will just start me again to push harder. I'm still working on it day by day. I just don't plan on going to the bar anytime soon! I'm WAY over that scene.
Self portrait before my night out!!!

I need to catch up with all of you now. I feel so out of the loop it is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you all are well. Let me know how you're doing as I've missed you all!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm back!

Today is a rough day for me. There are so many of you going through heartache and loss right now, that it makes me sad. I know that grief all too well and it really hits hard today. One year ago today I lost my Uncle in a very sad, unfortunate motorcycle accident. He had climbed onto his stepsons brand new motorcycle and took it out for a early evening ride. Unfortunately he lost control of the bike and veered off the roads and into the woods. He was wearing a helmet, but the impact was more than his body could take and in an instant he was taken from us. He was more than a Uncle to me, he was at times like my second dad. He was there for me during troubling and hard times and always had a shoulder for me to cry on. He was a teddy bear and I miss his hugs dearly. He was always so happy to see me and he always brought a smile to my face. Took quickly we forget to cherish the ones we love, when in an instant they can be gone.

So hug your family and friends and cherish every day you have with them. We never know what the future holds!!


I love you Uncle Jon and miss you as much today as I did a year ago. I'll get that big bear hug one of these days!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm tired........just plain tired!!!

I'm tired of being walked on!

I'm tired of feeling unimportant!

I'm tired of putting myself last!

I'm tired of not being supported!

I'm tired of feeling lost!!

I'm tired.........I'm just plain tired!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

What a weekend!

I weighed in at 206.8 Sunday morning. Down another pound and down 27.2 lbs. It's all starting to pay off. :)

Finished my 5 mile run this weekend in a time of 1:05:40!!!!!!!!!! I beat my goal by over 2 minutes. My goal was 1:08:00! Can you tell I'm excited??

The run was absolutely amazing. I went solo for the whole thing and it was such a great experience. At the end as I was coming across the finish line, a runner behind me came up grabbed my hand raised it up in the air and said we did it!! I really almost cried. And to make it even cooler they called my name as I was coming across the finish line with her. I am so jazzed and pumped for my half marathon in August. Keep on running!!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well! I've got to go catch up with you all now!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm Struggling

I am just now getting back from the gym. I was scheduled to run 4 miles this afternoon. I decided to do it on the treadmill as I am finding it difficult to run at home unless it is 10:00 at night. If I do that I don't end up getting to bed until 12 or 1 and then back up at 6 am to get ready for work. Anyways......I went to the gym to run my 4 miles. I only made it to 2 miles!

I am confused. I can run forever outside uphill and downhill, but when it comes to the dang treadmill I get all flustered and can't get very far. I mean I have done 3 and 4 miles on it before, but it feels torturous.

DO any of you runners have this problem??? Or is my mind just not letting me get past it??

I'm struggling and I need your help!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A glimpse into my life!!

Besides being a weight loss obsessed mom of two, I thought I would give you all a little insight into my life beyond just my weight. I have two jobs and one of them is my real passion. I do on location portrait photography. You can find most of my work at my website. I love capturing those special moments for others. So I decided to share some of my passion with you and let you in on what I'm doing when I'm not crying at the scale!!!
















I still work a full time job as an Account Executive for an office supply company, but this is the job that I hope to one day work full time with!! I just love being behind that camera.

Life isn't all consumed with weight loss and physical appearance, as good as it may feel. It's about doing what you enjoy in life. I'm learning that I don't have to obsess over one thing at a time. I'm learning I can still be active, healthy and continue my weight loss without sacrificing the things that I love!!

I've learned to work my workout schedule around my family, as my youngest absolutely hates it when I go out for my nightly run without him. He will cry until I get home and it is just heart breaking. So for the love of my family, I either go after he's gone to bed or bring him along in the jogger. I'm amazed at the ease this juggling of life and weight loss comes. So after 5 months it's become second nature.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

You can tell your getting thinner when.........

You can bend over and paint your own toes with out cutting off your airway or circulation!!





I painted my own toes today, and I could breath the whole time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I'd let you know! LOL

I moan and groan, whine and cry about my weight. Throw a 2 year old tantrum, by laying on the floor kicking and screaming and what do I get??

A 2.6 pound loss!!!!!!

Now I know why my 2 1/2 year old throws a fit like that. They get what they want in the end. So now I am at 207.8 lbs. I really can't believe it. I have lost 26.2 pounds in 22 weeks. Not fast at any means but I'm really liking it.

I have gone from a somewhat tight 20, to a size 16. I can actually buy clothes from a regular store right now. That is the biggest prize of them all. I remember my trip to Vegas in October and I had to make sure each mall we went to had a big girl store in it. I was jealous of my sister in law as she was buying the most adorable clothes in all of the stores. I had to resort to buying jewlery or shoes from these stores and sdaly that's the only thing that would remotely fit.

I just gave away two huge black garbage bags full of too big clothes. I am not leave anything in my closet to go back to. So for now I am on a limited wardrobe. One pair of jeans, 2 pairs of black dress pants, a pair of brown dress pants, and a pair of grey dress pants. That's it. So if I'm wearing the same thing over and over again it's because I don't own any clothes anymore. Such a shame!!! :)

So if you ever feel like throwing a fit to get what you want I can give you a few pointers as it seems to have worked really well for me!!!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Off and Running!

So I posted yesterday about my obsession with the scale and how I am a loser and weight myself every day in hopes that the little weight fairies will come and pluck off a pound or two while I'm sleeping. Yeah right......Keep dreaming lady!! Well of course I didn't get up and decide not to weigh myself this morning. No, I got up and my first thought was maybe the scale is going to surprise me today. i get on and low and behold the scale says 209.8 lbs. Woo Hoo!! Even if it was a little drop it was still a drop. I'm sure the scale was being nice to me so that I wouldn't drop kick it into the corner of the bathroom again. Thank you scale for complying with my obsession and give me a little string of hope to hang on to!!

I am running the Anchorage Run For Women next Saturday. It is a 5 mile run for breast cancer. I am so freaking excited for it. Imagine that, a fat girl excited to run for 5 miles!! Yep, that's me! My run has gone from about a 14.20 mile minute to about a 13 mile minute. I am hoping to finish in an hour and 8 minutes. I'm adding a little extra cushion as to not disappoint myself!! Some of you would not consider my timing a run, but for a girl that is still 80 pounds overweight, I VERY MUCH consider this running. I can't believe the that in 7 1/2 weeks I have gone from running a full mile to running 5 miles as well as increasing my time. I remember my excitement the
first time I ran a full mile.

SO here's to a glorious weekend full of a 4 mile run tonight and a 6 mile run on Sunday, as well as keeping away from Fast Food, or any bad food for that matter!!! Hope you all have a great weekend and I will see you on Monday for weekend updates!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A much needed kick in the butt!!

A HUGE thank you goes out to Dawn for giving me a little kick in the butt to get back on here. It helps to have someone watch over you and I can't thank you enough!!! I haven't had much to post about, or at least I thought I didn't!! I do have a few little things to say though!

After my horrible guilt fest of a weekend I ended up going for a run on Monday. Although something was/is up with my body. I was supposed to run a 3 miler, but once I got to 2.5 miles I couldn't move a step more. I don't know what was wrong. Perhaps it was my body telling me to never eat all that processed garbage ever again, or don't leave me hanging for 4 days without getting me moving. I was feeling like a slug.

Tuesday I was supposed to have my session with the trainer, but he had to cancel on me, but still gave me a list of things he wanted me to do for the day. I of course took this as a excuse not to do anything and that's what I did. I ate great, but never made it to the gym. I have been feeling sluggish and tired and kind of blah. It is slowly getting better though.

Wednesday was a much better day!! :) I spent an hour in the gym and did a full body strength training day. I was spent by the end of my session. Thomas, my trainer, came over to chat with me for a minute and asked me if I got my workout in for yesterday. I was honest with him and told him I totally slacked off. He just smiled at me. I knew what he was thinking!! :) I came clean with my horrible weekend and about my run on Monday. That my body wasn't working like I wanted it to. I have been sneezing a ton and the throat is a little scratchy, so maybe I was coming down with something. He was so understanding and didn't make me feel like more of a loser. He cracked me up because the first thing he said to me after I confessed my sins was "well, I hope you don't get upset for me asking you this, but is it that time of the month??" I just started laughing. Why is it that men always think that's the reason for everything!! :) I told him no and he said to shake it off, get my butt in the gym every day and listen to my body and not my mind. Thank you for the awesome advice there Thomas!! So last night I made it out for my nightly run. 3 miles was on the schedule so out I went and actually made it this time. I was feeling a lot faster than normal last night and can tell my stride is definitely getting longer. I felt accomplished yesterday and will kick butt again today!!

I have also been obsessed with the scale. I get on every single morning to see if it has changed. And of course the last few weeks it hasn't changed at all. It frustrates me to no end, but I am hoping that I am losing inches versus pounds. I just feel like I work and work and work at it with no rewards. I will be having my husband hide the scale from me for at least a week. I've got to concentrate on getting ready for my half marathon, and quit destructing myself with the dang scale!!

Thanks to everyone for their sweet comments on my crappy days. I am feeling refreshed and ambitious today so I'm going to make the best of it!! Have a great day!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Slacking....

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last post! Perhaps that's why I fell off the wagon this weekend. I am feeling guilty and beating myself up royally right now, so maybe if I get it out, realize my screw ups, and make the next step in moving on I can stop beating myself up. Take it as a lesson learned and keep on chugging baby!

So it all began with Friday! I was supposed to go out running as I skipped Thursday. Obviously I never went. That was okay though, I could deal with missing another day. I still had Saturday and Sunday to get it in. Friday night the hubby went to "TACO HELL" and bought dinner for us. :( He got me a chicken quesadilla, and 2 volcano tacos! I was a bad bad girl. But it tasted oh so good!!

Saturday I went and bought flowers with my mom and ended up going through the "Taco Hell" drive thru again! I knew I was being bad. So I ordered a Fresco bean burrito and another volcano taco. Again not the best choices, but what can I do. Dinner again was a disaster, as we had no children for the night and went out for dinner. I split a Philly cheese steak and fries with the hubby, had 2 hot wings, half a potato skin, half a piece of chicken strip, and half a mozzarella stick. Gosh I feel like a pig now, as I write that all out!

Sunday didn't get any better! I had a leftover bean burrito for breakfast, a cheeseburger from McDonald's for lunch, and then by the time dinner came around, the guilt had really set in, so I opted for a salad and a fat free hot dog with a bun. I'm sure my calories were all within range for yesterday, but I still feel really guilty for not eating quality food and opting for junk instead. Lesson learned, moving on!! Oh.......and I still never got a run in for the weekend. So 4 days without any form of working out!!!!!!!!! Boy will my trainer be pleased with me!!

Today has been much better. For breakfast I had half a grapefruit and a light orange yogurt. I've nibbled on a few almonds for a snack, some iced coffee, and for lunch I'm gobbling up a light chicken Cesar salad with garbanzo beans and smoked sun dried tomatoes! I'm getting back on track and leaving my horrible weekend behind me. Getting on the scale this morning made matters even worse. Up 2.6 pounds, but my fingers are so swollen I can't get my rings off. Lately they have been so loose I have considered getting them re sized soon. So bad eating = too much salt and not enough water! :(

This has been my first horrible weekend since I began 21 weeks ago. I'm not giving up though and will take my own advice as it just being a bump in the road, and to keep on going. Thanks for letting me vent. Here's to better days ahead!!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fantastic weekend and some things I learned...

I had the most wonderful Memorial weekend. We headed to Seward, Alaska which is about 2 hours away from home. It a small fishing town right on the ocean. The most beautiful place and if it wasn't so dang small I would live there. But I am somewhat of a city girl, so I don't think that would work for me!! :)

We arrived Friday night and settled in to our camp spot, made dinner and hung out for a bit before heading off to bed. Saturday morning I went out for my 2 mile morning run. My niece wanted to go, so I took her and their golden retriever with me. I don't have a dog myself but am thinking I need one now! She definitely kept me motivated and kept my speed up for me. No slowing down when you've got a pup with you. After my run we spent the day biking and walking all through town. I even showed everyone a few moves Thomas (my personal trainer) has showed me and they loved them. It turned into a competition with all the kids to see who could do the most. By night's end I was exhausted.

Sunday morning I got ready again for another morning run. This time my Sister in law asked to come along as well. She made it about a minute with me and then had to stop. We eventually met back up at the end of my loop, and 3 miles later. My sister in law ended up running for 20 seconds and then walking for a minute or so, and continued this for about 1.5 miles. I was proud of her for doing that and not being a runner. She told me that she was proud of me for going out every morning on a run even while on holiday and that she would remember me for a few days while her legs heal!! :)

The reason I am telling you this is because, I really learned this weekend that someone can be about 70 lbs lighter than you, yet not as physically fit. Another help with my disgust in the lack of scale movement. I am becoming a stronger person in more ways that just through the scale! I was proud of myself actually. I also noticed that doing these walks and bike rides, and my runs was something I enjoyed. In previous years I always hated it when someone would mention going for a walk. I would still go but, it was torturous for me. I guess losing 24 pounds may seem trivial to me but when I look at the whole picture and how far I have come already, I am amazed!!

On another note I have also learned that personal trainers cost way more than the listed price. I paid $240.00 for 6 weeks of training, but am now going to have so spend additional $$$$$ on new work clothes. I'm tired of hiking up my pants!! :) Not that I'm complaining!! Hee Hee!!!

I've got a funny story for you tomorrow!! Stay tuned....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My theme song

Sometimes I'll hear a song that really moves me. But the song I have become addicted to lately has more than moved me it has really become the theme song of my life right now. It kind of makes me emotional sometimes. The song I have recently found is by Miley Cyrus. I've never really listened to any of her music, but her new song (or at least new to me) "The Climb" is all I want to listen to these days. I wanted to post the lyrics to it because I think it is inspirational and a testament to all of us going through this transformation of weight loss. It hits right to the heart for me.

Miley Cyrus - The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head saying,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
but I Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high


There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side


The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I mean I know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,


There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb

Keep the faith
Keep your faith


I'm not sure if it has the same meaning to any of you, but I can't stop thinking about it and how this song was really meant to be the theme song for my life right now. It's all about the climb!!


Any of you have a song that really touches you?? That gets you going, keeps you motivated, or just sums up your life!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My long weekend pictures

I set this blog up mainly to document my weight loss journey, but I couldn't help but share with you my wonderful little family as well as the beautiful camping weekend I just had. It was so relaxing and the perfect way to get our summer rolling. There's not much happening as far as weight loss right now, and I didn't make my 5 miles last night as I had planned, but I still got in 3 miles at the gym so that's way better than nothing!!


Logan, my 2 1/2 year old, giving love to his Aunties puppy. He loves the heck out of that dog!

Joey, my 10 year old, looking cool as he's carving on his stick. Shortly after this picture he cut himself and ended his career as a wood carver!


Sometime I am amazed at the pure beauty of this state. I can't imagine living anywhere else!

Both my boys cheesing it up for the camera!

My wonderful hubby and me at the top of the mountain.

He seriously played in the mud puddles non stop. He is such a boy!



My goofy husband acting crazy in the 4-wheeler.

I wish I had thought of taking a picture of the huge half mountain I had to climb up. I have nightmares about it!! :) Just joking!!

So there's a few pictures of my little life. We are headed out again for memorial weekend, this time to the beautiful city of Seward Alaska. It is my heaven on earth!! I'll be sure to take some more pictures and post them when we get back. I'm excited because there are actually sidewalks that I can go out running on. I'll be sure to get in my exercise this weekend and hopefully I can continue to make proper choices about what I eat. It's all about making this work with my life!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm back!

I had the most amazing long weekend. The family loaded up and we headed out in our 5th wheel to get in some camping and four wheeling. I will have to post some pictures later because it was absolutely beautiful. The heat was welcoming and I wanted to stay out there for another week!

I've learned that camping is very rough on the whole eating situation. I did try to make good choices and watch my portions but it was VERY difficult. I ate some pie and didn't feel guilty about it one bit. The part that I did feel guilty about was the exercise. Of course we were outside and moving around all weekend, but I felt the need for some good hard workouts. The sweaty breathing hard, heart rate soaring type of workout. I did manage to get in a small workout as my son made me climb half a mountain with him. Standing at the bottom it looked like a cake walk, but once I started climbing I wanted nothing more than a helicopter to come in and rescue me!!! I made it so the top, very out of breath, but feeling so good! I never would have tackled it had I not been working out and dropped 20 pounds. I feel like I am getting my life back. :)

So now that I'm back, it's all about getting back on track and getting in an awesome workout today. I'm meeting with the trainer today so hopefully he will kick the fat right out of me! Then tonight I will get in my long run. I'm thinking about trying to get in a 5 miler tonight. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

With bells on...

I have to share a funny story with you all about the conversation I had with my mom this morning. We were doing our normal morning chat on the phone, and talking about the biggest loser last night. I was telling her that I had to make sure I went for my run early since I didn't want to miss biggest loser. Also since it was on for 3 hours last night I couldn't go afterwards as it would have been too late. So after I get done telling my mom about my run, this is the conversation she has with me!!

Mom- "Daughter, you need to get a bell and tie it to your shoe or something. Or maybe even around your waist while your running!!"

Me - "What???"

Mom - "Yeah, you need to get a bell while you are out running. You know Doug at work rode his bike to work yesterday and he saw 3 bears on the way!"

Me - " Mother!! Where was he riding his bike?"

Mom - "Well here in Anchorage, but there are a lot more bears in Eagle River than there are here. You running with your headphones on and don't make a noise while you're running, so with a bell you could scare them off!"

Me - (Starting to laugh) Well I breathe heavy when I run so that should be enough!! (Snicker) Anyways, I run right next to the highway, I've never seen a bear next to the highway or in our neighborhood, and there's even a big fence next to the bike path. I don't think I'm going to be seeing any bears!

Mom - "Well I'm done worrying then!! When Joey (my son) is older and he buys a motorcycle and is riding it out on the highway and you call me freaking out, I will remind you of this! I won't feel sorry for you!"

Me - "Yeah right! You are a worry wort, so you would be more worried about your grand baby riding a motorcycle on the highway than I would!"


My mother ended the conversation shortly after this. I think she was a little worried. The whole time I am picturing myself running down the path with a big bell on my shoe, or even worse tied around my waist! I bring enough attention to myself just being a fat girl running down the highway, none the less carrying a damn dinging bell as I go. Kids in the near by neighborhoods would get all excited thinking the ice cream man is coming, only to find a fat girl running down the street, dinging and looking like she ate the ice cream truck!!

So no, I will not be wearing a bell when I run Mom!! If I was running in the woods, or even remotely close to the woods, I would wear a bell. As of right now I don't want to cause tons of little kids the heartache of having to wait for the real ice cream man to come around!!
This is my Marathon Auntie on the left and my wonderful, beautiful momma on the right!

Thanks for the good laugh today mom!! Love you!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Anyone else as excited as me?

The season finale of Biggest Loser is on tonight and I can't wait for work to end, drive home and patiently wait an hour until the world's best TV show comes on. YEAH!!!!

I may be a little nuts, but there is something about the determination and will these fellow losers have that motivates the heck out of me. They encourage me to keep on truckin!! I am also a huge fan of Kristin and can't wait to see how she looks tonight. She was my girl and everything she went through I have felt the same. She had a ton of weight to lose and didn't let it stop her.

Are any of you as crazy as me and who are you rooting for??

Monday, May 11, 2009

I may have become an addict......

But not the kind of addict that requires an intervention!

I am addicted to running!

The high, the endorphin release, the feeling of being free!

I can not believe that I didn't start this journey years earlier. I had always had dreams that I was running. Just running down the trail with no cares and no worries, just by myself reflecting on life. Then I would wake up and laugh at myself for even thinking I could run. Silly girl, your fat!!

Not anymore!! Saturday morning I got up at 8:00 and went out for my morning run. The air was cool, clean and crisp. It was about 45 degrees out and felt so good. I can't imagine running in hot weather. How do some of you do it! I ended up running 2 miles that morning, I could have gone for longer, but my hubby had to leave for work and I had two children begging for some mommy attention. That night I went out for another run. My husband just looked at me like I was crazy. "You're going for another run?? You went this morning though" I shook my head, sneaked away from my little Mommy's boy 2 year old and took off. I was only supposed to be gone for 30 minutes or so. However, I felt so good while I was out running that I just kept on going.

By the time I knew it I was almost at 4 miles. I was just kind of on auto pilot and letting my feet and legs take me where they wanted to go. It also helped that I had some killer tunes to listen to as well. Hubby called me after I had been gone for 52 minutes, wanting to know if he should send out the search team. He was worried, and I felt bad for making him worry. The addiction made me do it honey!! (Love you!) I finally made it home at 56 minutes and 4 miles later.



I really ran 6 miles in one day?? To you runners, that may be a normal occurrence, but for me it was a huge feat. I took the day off on Sunday and am rip roaring ready to go today!!

Thanks for letting me brag! I can't believe how good it feels to take care of myself. I found another addiction to replace my previous addiction! I will take a running high over a 5 minute binge any day!!!

P.S. I bought apples again on Sunday as they were on killer sale for $.88 a lb. Got 6 of them for like $2.50!! Hubby was very happy this time! :)

Friday, May 8, 2009

It's friday!!

I was all set this morning to write about how non supportive my husband is being right now, and he doesn't understand what it's like to deal with a weight issue your entire life, and basically he's a big fat jerk. That was until he woke up this morning! Damn him for ruining my post. :)

So you all know I hired a personal trainer last week. The trainer was a bit pricey, but I figure I'm worth it right now. I get 6 weeks of training for $240.00. When I talked to my husband about getting a trainer, he was all freaking out, saying it is a waste of money and that I'm doing fine on my own right now, and blah blah blah!! That really was the extent of my conversation with him. When it comes to money this man is cheap cheap cheap (unless he's buying himself something. Grrrr)

So last night I went to bed and was peacefully sleeping when I am rudely awakened. This wonderful husband of mine has waken me up at 11:00 at night to get on my case for spending $240.00 on a trainer. He must have been on the computer checking our bank account. He states I never told him how much it cost and that's just ridiculous. I think I picked up whatever was closest to me (just a pillow) and threw it at him. You're really waking me up for this?? UGGHHH! Men are just dumb sometimes.

This morning I woke up and got ready for work. I was mad and hurt at the same time. Wondering why he couldn't support me sometimes, or even notice the difference I have made in the last 17 weeks. We wasn't even that thrilled for me when I finished my 5K.

I was getting ready to leave the house for work and he was just getting up. He comes over to me, gives me a big hug and says he's sorry for freaking out on me last night and that he's fine with everything. Damn it, why do they have to go and do that! I was all set to be mad at him for the rest of the day and he has to wake up and accept the fact that he was wrong.

Don't get me wrong, he is the most loving husband and treats me like I am the most beautiful women in the world. He really would love me no matter what size I am. He just doesn't care. It's just that sometimes when it comes to my weight loss I don't get the encouragement and support I desire. He's working on it slowly though and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

Next thing I know, he'll be asking if I want to go get hot wings for dinner. Somethings I guess will never change!! :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

New records

Today I get to share my new records with you all. I always get so excited to let you all know how I'm doing because the feedback I get is so encouraging. Who can let go when the support I receive from all of you is so strong.

So Tuesday I met up with Thomas again. We had to set a baseline for our workouts, basically a starting point to grow from. The test consisted of 1 minute of push ups, 1 minute of crunches, and then a mile run. Luckily Thomas didn't make me do full on push ups and I got to do them modified. Let me tell you that even modified wasn't as easy as I had hoped.

1 minute of push-ups - 21 total
1 minute of crunches - 24 total

So now about my mile run. I was kind of scared because no one has ever stood there and watched me run before. I was feeling really self conscious about myself. Thinking he's gonna watch my fat flop up and down now...... Why oh why did I sign up for this!! I wasn't about to waste my money and give up so I hopped onto the treadmill. I normally go at a speed of 4.2 or 4.5 depending on the day. Of course since I had Thomas watching me I felt the need to make my mile a little faster than normal (14:30 mile). I ended up setting that thing at 5.0 . I wanted to quit after the first 3 minutes. Around 5 minutes I decided that I didn't want to die on the treadmill so I dropped it back down to 4.7. I actually completed my mile in 12:30. I blew my record away by 2.5 minutes. See what having someone hover over you can make you do. I never thought I could run that fast and look at what I just did. Never doubt yourself!

Yesterday I was home with a sick baby (well he's 10 but he's still my baby) and the urge to eat everything in the house was so strong. No wonder I go to work every day, it keeps me from raiding the refrigerator! :) It was pretty blah outside, trying to rain of and on and pretty chilly. I can no begin to tell you the guilt I felt all day for not getting to the gym, and not being able to run due to the pouring rain last night. 17 weeks ago I wouldn't have cared one bit. Amazing what happens to the mind and body in such a short time!

Now I'm going to share with you my greatest news!! I stepped on the scale this morning and I was blown away by what it said. I had to reset the thing a couple times and reweigh myself just to make sure it wasn't messing up. The scale read 211.8 lbs. That is 22.2 lbs down in 17 weeks. I am so thrilled that I can't even begin to verbalize my excitement. The thing that hit so hard this morning was that I haven't seen this weight in about 9 years.

After I had my first son I weighed in at 175 lbs. I ended up getting the Norplant shortly after that and in less than 2 years ballooned up to 250 lbs. I was a fat mess really. So stepping on the scale and seeing that I have come such a far way already it unbelievable to me. I'm really doing it this time!

11.9 lbs to go and I am under 200. You will probably all hear me screaming the day I get there!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Crummy Monday

So yesterday I was feeling blue and just had a really bad case of the MONDAYS!! I really have no clue what my problem was.

I ended up eating a Starbucks blueberry muffin from my early morning meeting and things just went downhill from there. At lunch time all I wanted was to drive through the Wendy's drive through and get a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. I opted for a Lite Chicken Cesar salad I had brought with me instead, but the temptation was almost too unbearable.

Once I got home from work I just wanted to curl up on the couch and be lazy, lifeless, and plain just pass out. However this isn't entirely possible with a husband and two little boys needing my attention. This made me crankier. I'm telling you, it was the worst case of the Monday's ever!! I ended up finding a bag of BBQ chips sitting on the counter and probably could have polished off the bag had I not gotten myself under control. So I only ate a quarter of the bag instead. Way to go dummy!!!

We had steak tacos for dinner and it didn't even taste good. Probably because the residual taste of fatty chips were still lingering in my mouth. Why do I do this to myself?? And why all of a sudden am I not enjoying food. I think I just need to change it up a little bit.

After dinner I almost fell asleep on the couch until my husband saved me and dragged me off and made me go for a bike ride. Little did I know he was going to punish me for trying to fall asleep by taking me up every single gosh darn hill in the area. You know how your parents used to say they walked uphill to school both ways?? Well my bike ride was uphill both ways. I'm serious about that too!! I'm not talking little bunny hills, I'm talking the steepest mountains he could find me. Oh, it was all a piece of cake for him and he wasn't pulling a 30 lb 2 year old and a 600 million pound bike carrier up the hill behind him. Not only do I have Thomas torturing me at the gym, but now I have my sweet little husband torturing me at home. What is with these men!!

So that is a snapshot of the worst day I have had in a long time. Today seems to be a little bit better, but I am still a little bit irritable. Hopefully it will go away, as I have another torture session with Thomas this afternoon. Hopefully my armpits have healed enough to withstand his pain. We'll see!!

Monday, May 4, 2009

I died on Friday!

I met with a personal trainer on Friday. I was supposed to meet with him at 1:00 to go over the plan and get in a good workout. Unfortunately we had to wait until 2:00 because the appointment he thought had cancelled unfortunately showed up. (Unfortunate for me, but kuddos to them for not giving up!! I can't hate too much!) So he instructed me to go about my normal routine and we would meet back up at 2. So I climbed onto the bike for 35 minutes and then got on the elliptical machine for 20 minutes. I was sweaty and tired by then and really wanted to cancel our workout for the day.

I then started to feel bad and eventually made my way over to him. Let me just tell you about THOMAS!! He is beautiful, I mean really hot, has a ripped body and to make it even better he makes me feel so comfortable around him that I don't feel insecure. That's a hard thing to get around for me. I didn't care how fat I looked working out, I just did what he told me to.

Can I ask some of you when the last time you did a push up was?? How about a pull up?? Your laughing right. We're fat, we don't do those. Thomas asked me this question and laughed when I told him probably never. He said most everyone he asks that question to has the same response. So guess what Mr. Thomas made me do?? Yep....... freakin push ups and modified pull ups. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I had to do 15 reps of each. Then if that wasn't enough I had to do a gazillion squats with a 25 pound weight, and immediately go into a plank. I've done planks before and wasn't too scared until he told me to go for 30 seconds. Then I had to do it all over again 3 more times. My whole body was a big fat sweaty mess of jello. How could this be. I've been working out for 16 weeks now, shouldn't my body be used to this. The answer is NNNNOOOOOOO! I was working out but nothing that put my body through this. Switching up your workout routine has such an impact on your body. Doing something besides the weight machines really fired up that furnace!

Needless to say, I was a mess all weekend. It hurt to breath, and even comb my hair. Not really, but it did hurt to put on deodorant. Can armpits really hurt?? This man destroyed my body and I love him for it. We meet again tomorrow and I simply can't wait. Bring on the pain Thomas!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

I had Mcdonald's this morning......

But I only got a Sugar Free Vanilla iced coffee, and a fruit and yogurt parfait!!!

I really wanted a big greasy breakfast sandwich and hash brown though. I made it through my craving!!!!! Yeah!!!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Trying to live with obstacles

The other night I went grocery shopping with my husband so that we could get stuff for our lunches for the week. I wanted everything to be planned out so I knew what I was eating and so that nothing could sneak it's way into my mouth! Well everything was great until we went to checkout. The cute little cashier is scanning our groceries, and I felt like Miss Health USA because everything was clean and lifestyle friendly! We get to the end of the grocery line and the last item to be scanned in is the bag of apples I picked out. 5 to be exact. One for each day. I was happy and excited until I heard a choke, that sounded somewhat like a deep mumbled full on bitch session! Yes, my husband was irritated with me because I spent $5.60 on 5 apples. (FYI - We live in Alaska so cheap fruit is hard to come by, and yes this was cheap for us!)

I JUST DON"T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to make myself better and here he is complaining about a lousy six dollars I spent on apples! What the heck. He never bitched about the bags of chips, or the $30.00 spent on hot wings, or the countless bags of grease laden, fatty, artery clogging foods that make you gain 6 million trillion pounds. No he has to bitch about the one thing that will help me lose weight.

Never mind the fact that I deal with food temptations and the desire to binge daily. He has to come in and complain about an apple! I want to stuff my face with a box full of Twinkies right there, and I can't even stand Twinkies! *Don't worry, I didn't binge, indulge, or satisfy myself at all! I had a point to prove here!*

Next week I'm going for the expensive fruit. That will really get him going! Hee Hee

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I've realized something today.......

........for the first time in my life I have lost more weight on my current life changing journey than ever lost before. I've always lost 12 pounds here, 16 pounds here, and ended up gaining it all back. I have actually lost 20 lbs to date!! 4 lbs more than any previous attempt. And to make it even better, I have no intentions of giving up or returning to my old ways.

So what is the difference this time?? After a few lengthy conversations with myself ....(really....I'm not crazy!) I have realized that I am ready this time. I'm really ready to shed my fat coat and come out once and for all. Is it all a mentality thing? Do you really have to be ready to lose weight for it to come off?? Of all the success stories I have read, every single one of them has tried 10 billion different diets, and all ending in the same failure. So why did the last one work? Why did it finally all come together?? My thoughts are that these success stories finally believed that they deserved a happy ending! So regardless of what your doing to lose weight, your mind has to be in the same boat, you have to want it more than anything you have ever wanted before.

And I'll just say that right now I've never wanted it so badly in my life!!

Monday, April 27, 2009

5K Heart Run!

So Saturday morning, I was up early with a stomach full of knots! I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I just couldn't contain myself. I got everything together and headed out the door to meet my friend Brittany at the race. The unfortunate part is that I got myself very lost trying to get there! I don't know how....... as Anchorage really isn't big at all!! I had to finally park myself in the parking lot and have Brittany come and get me. I was really a mess. I think I was freaked out at with what I was trying to attempt. I mean can I really run 3 miles straight weighing 215 lbs??? I felt like I was going to see myself as a failure and sabotage everything I have been working for.

We finally made it to the race start and picked up our race bibs and time chips. I was number 1538. Probably a number I will remember for the rest of my life!!! We ended up waiting for about 20 minutes before they actually started the run. It really felt like we were standing there for 10 years. It kept getting more and more crowded (6,500 people crowded) and my nerves got more and more frazzled. Finally they announced that they were going to begin. they sang the national anthem (nothing like goose bumps in 40 degree weather. We're talking goose bumps on top of goose bumps here!) and counted down to the start. Here we go.......AAAHHHH!

Before the run!!

So as soon as we started going I cranked up my Ipod and we were off. I ended up losing Brittany and felt bad but I had to keep going. My only thought was finishing my 3 miles in under 45 minutes. I was being passed left and right and really realized that I was pretty slow, but at least I was doing it. At one point this elderly man passed me and he was power walking. I guess that's part of the difference in 6 foot legs versus 5 foot legs!! HA HA I passed the 1.5 mile marker and was amazed at how good I felt. The next thing I knew I was in the home stretch and it was the most amazing experience. Everyone along the way is yelling for you, telling you to keep it up your doing a great job. I finally made it to that finish line chute and gave it everything I had. I crossed the finish in a big ball of tears. I really completed a 3 mile run at 215 lbs. And I beat my goal by 1 minute!!! My official start to finish time was 44:01:05.

After my 5K run!!!

I really did it! I really conquered my doubts and proved that I've had this in me all along. It's just taken a really long time to come to realization........a really long painful time!

My Aunt is a Marathon runner and her and her friend gave me some great advice. It's not how fast or slow you are........ You need to run "your" run!........ One foot in front of the other........ The hardest part is getting to the starting line.

My mother has also been the biggest support for me. She believes in me when I don't believe in myself. She's my motivation a lot of the time as I keep myself going hoping to make her prouder of me than she already is. Thank you mom for helping me through this and always believing I am capable of more then I let myself believe!

My next goal is the run for women. 5 Miles here I come!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Speaking of running

As I was on the treadmill today for my 2 mile run, this long legged beautiful, tan blond hopped onto the treadmill next to me. At first I was feeling pretty good, thinking at least I'm doing something for myself, and one of these days I'll look like her. Well she starts going and let's just say she was like some running goddess. Huge long strides, looking like a million bucks and running like crazy. I turn to the wall of unflattering mirrors in front of me and am instantly disgusted. I look like some crazed dog trying to get away from the dog catcher. My short height of 5'2'' and 215 lbs does not look pretty running on the treadmill. Especially next to Barbie.

I think I just want to be barbie that's all!!!

Updating....

I really don't have much to complain about today. Wow, does that really happen??? :) I feel good and I think my diet and exercise have taken off into an even better direction. The scale is dropping and now that it is spring all I want to do is be outside.

The 21st was my birthday. I normally work every birthday as it's not that big of a deal to me. Well this year was strange. Turning 29 has been frightening and eye opening. I really only have 1 year left until I'm 30. That's a huge milestone for me. I want to use this next year to the best of my ability and completely change my life. I want to be at a healthy weight, enjoy being active with my family and above all else just be happy! SO I took the day off of work

I spent the day with my husband, just enjoying the day really. We went to lunch and then stopped by a cycle shop and purchased two beautiful (and way to expensive) bikes. Who said getting in shape and healthy was cheap! We went out for our first bike ride and I loved it. Let's just say that biking outside is much more difficult than doing the stationary bike in the gym. I was pretty tired. Especially considering I was towing a 30 lb two year old in a bike trailer as well. My butt was so sore the next day though. I think I need on of those big mama seats. You know the ones that have 3 inches of padding and are so wide you are embarrassed to even get off of the bike. Yep, that's what I need!

Yesterday was busy as all can be with missing a day of work, so I wasn't able to get in a workout. I thought 10 at night might be a little late to go out for a run. It stays pretty light outside here now, but I was still a little scared. SO I made up for my missed run today. I headed to the gym and ended up running 2.15 miles. I was so thrilled with myself and the fact that I have the determination and the ability to do that. I am running the 3 mile heart run on Saturday so I'm hoping to make it all the way through without walking. All I can do is try!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Anchorage Alaska Heart Run

So every year we hold a 5K heart run to benefit the American Heart Association. I've never even paid much attention to this run yet alone ever been interested. That's the fat girl in me. You hear the word run or even anything associated to using energy and it's like it never existed! Well I must be changing or just excited with my new found love of running, but I have decided to sign up for the 5K run that is this coming Saturday (April 25Th). I have been doing between 1 and 1.5miles, well really only 1.4 miles, for the last week or so. I figure with all the excitement and adrenaline of a real run, I should be able to do 3 miles no problem. It's getting through that first half mile that is the tough one for me. After that is smooth sailing. I'll let you know how it goes on Saturday!! :)

Have I told you that I LOVVVVE my Iphone?? Well, I do!! I found an application for it last week called Imapmyrun. It uses the GPS in the phone to locate where I am at, and then tracks my distance as well as the pace I am running. After I am finished running it saves my information in a training log so I can look back on it at a later time. I love it. It keeps me aware of how fast or slow I am going as well as keeping me from obsessing over how far I actually went. Three cheers for technology. What did we ever do before???

Here's to a great week full of accomplishments and weight loss.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Drum Roll Please........

OFFICIALLY DOWN 19 LBS!!!!



Running = Weight Loss


That's all for today. Just had to share my major excitement!!!!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Striving for my goals

So yesterday was supposed to be my off day for working out. However, something inside me just wouldn't let well enough alone and I ended up going for a run last night. I had the most amazing time. I cranked up my Ipod put in my headphones and headed out onto the freshly uncovered trails. I don't know what it was but time just flew by and before I knew it I was already back home but not wanting to quit quite yet. So I took off for a bit longer around the neighborhood. All in all I ran 1.5 miles last night. I feel powerful almost. That I've determined myself to start running and to start training for a half marathon in August. For those of you that don't know, a half marathon is 13.1 miles. I was scared at first thinking that maybe I should have just signed up for the 5K since that would be easier. But after my easy 1.5 mile last night, I figured that in 4 months I can work myself up to 13.1 miles.


This is me and my littlest man after my run last night!

Never in my life have I really ever set a goal like this before. I've never pushed myself to really complete anything except for high school and a CNA program. I've never reached my goal weight, I've never worked out consistently, I've never really done anything above and beyond what I'm supposed to, yet alone finish it. I'm setting out to change that, and hopefully the next four months I'll find a new me along the way!! :)

The funny thing too, is that the scale seems to be dropping now that I bumped up my workouts. The last three days I have watched it drop down lower and lower and today it finally said that I am .5 lbs lighter than I was 2 weeks ago. I'll take it thank you very much! I know it's not a weigh in day, and I know it's not good to obsess over the scale and weigh yourself everyday, but it makes me feel good right now. I see progress and that's all I need. Yahooooo!

"Only those that risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

ADDICTED!!!

Okay, so today I have two addictions!! And yes, one of them is food. But it's a somewhat good food at least. I am addicted to sun dried tomatoes and light Cesar salad!!! I just ate the world's largest salad I think, and I enjoyed every single last drop of it. Yummy!!!


So now on to my non food related addiction. I have found a new love and a way to push myself. Remember a few days ago (well really it was last week), how I tried out running and gave it a good shot. Well today was an even better shot. I don't know what came over me but I........ are you ready for this, cause I'm gonna tell you.........I ran a full MILE, plus an extra minute afterwards. YYYEEEAAAAHHHHH!!! It was unbelievable. I feel like I just conquered the world. Okay so my mile was a 14 minute mile, but hey I still did it. I had originally started out by walking for 5 minutes and then started my next 5 minute run. those 5 minutes flew by so I thought, let's make it 6 minutes. Eventually after 10 minutes of running, I decided to just keep going and finish out the mile. I got to the mile and decided that for some reason I needed to even it out to 15 minutes total. My mind wanted to keep pushing to 20, but I think my lungs won the battle as they almost exploded all over the treadmill. I don't think all the bottles of equipment cleaner they have could of cleaned up that mess.


But in all seriousness, I am super excited and can't wait to push myself to the next level tomorrow. I remember barely being able to do 15 minutes on the Elliptical machine, and eventually pushing my self easily into doing a full 30 minutes or more.


Tuesday Workout


20 min lower body strength training - 120 calories

5 minute walk, 15 minute run, 5 minute walk & 25 minute bike - 507 calories


Total Time: 1 hour 10 minutes

Total Calories: 627


I say that's a pretty fair workout for the day!!! :) Then after dinner tonight I'll take a walk with my little family. I couldn't post this without a picture and I forgot to take one of my delicious salad, so here's one from last summer. My two boys and me. My whole world!!
Here's to hoping my legs are still working tomorrow!

Friday, April 10, 2009

CuPcAkEs ;)

I made 48 cupcakes last night and didn't even eat a single one!! How's that for a little will power!!! :) ( however......I did lick the spreader after I was done frosting them!! Hey is was just a lick!) hee-hee


We'll see if I can hang on to that will power through Easter weekend! YIKES!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Wednesday Workout

So I accomplished my goal this afternoon and actually ran on the treadmill. I was amazed at how easy I found it to be. I remember 12 weeks ago I couldn't run at all. My shins hurt, and it was really just too much work. So even if I gained 1.5 lbs, I am still so happy that I ran!!! I ended up setting the program for 30 minutes and ended up doing 5 minute intervals of walking fast and then running. So in all I ended up running for 15 minutes. Can you tell I'm excited??? And you know what else, I actually enjoyed it. Maybe one of these days I'll get to run a marathon like so many of you have done.

Workout summary:

Strength Training Lower Body - 22 minutes / 152 calories burned
Cardio - 51 minutes - 623 calories burned
Average heart rate - 152
Highest heart rate - 172


Of course all this information is provided to me from my heart rate monitor. I love that thing. It was the best $150.00 I have ever spent. I would totally recommend it to everyone!! Oh.....and one more thing. The scale at the gym indicates I am down a pound from last week so I am hoping I was just a little puffy this morning when I weighed myself. Thank you gym scale!!!

Weigh In

Weigh in this morning was very sad for me. The scale shows I have gained 1.5 lbs. :( Who knows why and sometimes I wonder why it is so hard for my body to decide to lose weight. Perhaps it's fighting back after years of torture!! ha ha Oh well, I guess that's just extra motivation to get to the gym and switch things up again. Maybe finally conquer that treadmill and try running! Everything happens for a reason. Positive thinking right???

I am a faithful watcher of The Biggest Loser. I can't get enough of it. I think I find a lot of inspiration in Kristin. She always amazes me. She has lost an incredible amount of weight and keeps on going. She withstood the temptation of eating all that crappy food and showed it by losing 8 lbs. I want to be like her when I grow up!!

I know that weight loss is a lifelong thing and it will never happen overnight, so I guess if I've had a small gain that's okay. I know my body is changing, as this weekend when I went to put on my snow pants they were no longer tight!! I think last time I wore them they had to be left open at the top because they were cutting me off in the middle. Maybe it's time to start measuring and get rid of the dang scale.

So now I am at 15.5 down in 12 weeks. Still not too shabby! Maybe next week will bring more progress. I'll update you this afternoon and let you know how the gym went!! Thanks to all my new friends for all the encouragement. It is appreciated more than you know!!! :)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

It's Tuesday!

I had a wonderful weekend out in the pure sunshine, but let me tell you it was so cold. It was about 18 - 20 degrees outside. We took our kiddos out to Eureka for a little snow machine trip. It was so nice to be away from the real world and just enjoy our family. To be away from the constant worries of counting calories and worrying about my next workout. I wasn't consumed with food at all. I still ate on plan, but I never once had that nagging voice inside my telling me I needed to eat more food. We spent the majority of the day outside and I ended up with a sunburned face as a result. I think this weekend was just what I needed. Proof that life goes on beyond counting calories and worrying about working out. That, I can go on the rest of my life with my new lifestyle.

Today I get to have lunch with my best friend whom I rarely get to see anymore. With kids and work and living about 40 minutes away it makes it kind of hard. I also get to have the world's best salad!! Yummy!! I am so ready for lunch and I have 3 hours to wait. Oh well.....I guess all good things come in time!!

Weigh in is tomorrow for me so I am hoping for a loss. Even a tiny one would make me happy!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Why????

Okay, so I was feeling pretty good today and then I had someone at work take a full body picture of me. Now I am ready to cry and fall into the pits of sorrow! I feel like I haven't made any progress and it is disappointing. I know it's just the beginning and I'll keep on going but it is just still depressing. Why........when I was starting to feel really good???? Here's the pic. YUCK!!!




I look like a football player. Why such the big bulky broad stance?? AAAHHHHGGG! I want to just throw up. I hate it. I guess it's extra motivation to keep going to the gym. I like the face shots much better!! :)

Looking back......


Isn't it funny how you can look back at old photographs and think, man I wish I was that size again. And in all reality you really thought you were fat at that time. I look back at some older pictures and just wish I was back to that same me. Look at what I have let myself become. So here's a picture of myself about 12 years ago and boy do I wish I looked like that again.




Well minus the glasses I would like to look like that!! Those things are huge and hideous!! *hee hee* That just cracks me up!!

So in my search for a full body shot my mom commented and suggested that I post a few pictures from throughout my life. Here's some from baby on up. Enjoy the picture show!!


That's a baby me!!




That's me on the far right!








This is the year I met my soon to be husband only 11 years later!



16 years old!


Senior Prom in 1998!! Scary that I even just posted that pic! It's horrible.


Senior Picture. Looking kind of cute here!




21st Birthday and getting fatter by the day!! Shortly after this pic, I ballooned up to 260 pounds. It is quite scary and one of these days I will post the picture I have. I lost about 30 pounds doing the Atkins thing with my mom!



This picture is from November 2008, a month before I started this journey. Can you tell I am still trying to hide??

I am now down 17 lbs and so very happy with the outcome so far. Maybe I'll take an updated picture today to post!!