Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Getting back to ME

I started my work week out on a good note. I made it to the gym after work last night and it felt wonderful. Never again will I go back to the gym after work as that place was INSANE!!!! There were so many people there. I'm used to going during the day when there's only a handful of people around. Definitely a new experience for me. It was also so very hot in there. Must have been the hundred bodies working out. I couldn't stand it. I made it through my strength training and then took off as I had a portrait session to get to. My goal is to make it there every day this week. I know I can do it, it's just getting my mind to work with me!! :)

This weekend was a great one. My littlest man just turned "3" yesterday and it was kind of a sad day for me. I can't believe my baby is that old already. Time for more????? Don't tell my husband I said that!!!! hee hee! We had a birthday party on Sunday for Logan and he was so dang cute. It was definitely his day. He was so overwhelmed when it came to opening presents. It was like he didn't know if he wanted to open the next present or just rip into the toys he had already opened. The funniest thing of the night was when he was opening a box that had squirt guns in it. He pulls out the squirt guns and his face just lights up. Then he says this " Oh, WOW!! These are bad ass!!!" I couldn't believe it. He had the whole room going. I was a bit embarrassed to say the least. His daddy got in trouble for that one, as that is his saying not mine!! :)

Nothing else new has really been going on. Still busy with photo shoots, work, football and home life. I'll have to post pictures soon of my football nights. He looks so dang cute in all his gear. Hope you all are well, as I have some major catching up to do!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm Failing.....

Life for me lately has been.......well what's the right word??? Let's just say the right word doesn't exist at this moment. I'm juggling my job, my photography business (that seems to explode right when I am at my breaking point), football for Joey (5 days a week, 2 hours a day and soon to be 6 days a week!), and then housework when a spare moment flashes by. I'm sinking I think. I feel guilt for not working out 100% like I was, I feel guilt for not running in over a week, I feel guilt for neglecting business priorities, I feel guilt for having a not so clean home, and I feel guilt for stretching myself so thin that at times I become a monster to my family.

I feel all of this, plus to add on to it I am so deathly afraid that since I haven't worked out like I used to for the past 2 weeks that I'm going to get fat again, and not get back to my losing. It's killing me. I can't take it anymore.

So with a heavy heavy heart, I had to give something up temporarily. The one piece of guilt that has been aching in my heart for the last few weeks. The one that is the weight of 1000 bricks. I guess I'm hoping that by "temporarily" giving this up I will be able to think more clearly and focus on what is more important, being able to spend a long life with my family. So in order to focus more on my workouts, clean eating and pure fat loss, I am giving up on my goal of my half marathon. :(

I'm very, very sad about it. But unfortunately I put too much on my plate and I need to straighten it all out. I missed my 10 mile run on Sunday, and I feel like I have failed myself and I can feel myself starting to give up on everything. Maybe if I can let go of that one heavy burden, then maybe I can get back up to where I was. Get rid of what's dragging me down.

Even though I may not be competing in the half marathon this summer, I will make it next summer. I'm proud of myself in that a few short months I have gone from not running at all to finishing a 9 mile run. I feel like I have accomplished the world already and I am perfectly content with that. I don't have to worry about these long runs and can now focus back on my shorter 4 mile runs. The runs that I love doing. I'm going to get back to what makes me happy.

Thank you to Dawn and my mom for supporting me so much. I couldn't have gotten to those 9 miles had it not been for your encouragement and constant inspiration. You are both wonderful women and I appreciate everything about you. You've given me a goal to reach for and I can't thank you enough.

I'll be back tomorrow ready for a second beginning!! 32 lbs down and counting! (No loss in 2 weeks, but no gain either!! I can live with that!)