Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm Failing.....

Life for me lately has been.......well what's the right word??? Let's just say the right word doesn't exist at this moment. I'm juggling my job, my photography business (that seems to explode right when I am at my breaking point), football for Joey (5 days a week, 2 hours a day and soon to be 6 days a week!), and then housework when a spare moment flashes by. I'm sinking I think. I feel guilt for not working out 100% like I was, I feel guilt for not running in over a week, I feel guilt for neglecting business priorities, I feel guilt for having a not so clean home, and I feel guilt for stretching myself so thin that at times I become a monster to my family.

I feel all of this, plus to add on to it I am so deathly afraid that since I haven't worked out like I used to for the past 2 weeks that I'm going to get fat again, and not get back to my losing. It's killing me. I can't take it anymore.

So with a heavy heavy heart, I had to give something up temporarily. The one piece of guilt that has been aching in my heart for the last few weeks. The one that is the weight of 1000 bricks. I guess I'm hoping that by "temporarily" giving this up I will be able to think more clearly and focus on what is more important, being able to spend a long life with my family. So in order to focus more on my workouts, clean eating and pure fat loss, I am giving up on my goal of my half marathon. :(

I'm very, very sad about it. But unfortunately I put too much on my plate and I need to straighten it all out. I missed my 10 mile run on Sunday, and I feel like I have failed myself and I can feel myself starting to give up on everything. Maybe if I can let go of that one heavy burden, then maybe I can get back up to where I was. Get rid of what's dragging me down.

Even though I may not be competing in the half marathon this summer, I will make it next summer. I'm proud of myself in that a few short months I have gone from not running at all to finishing a 9 mile run. I feel like I have accomplished the world already and I am perfectly content with that. I don't have to worry about these long runs and can now focus back on my shorter 4 mile runs. The runs that I love doing. I'm going to get back to what makes me happy.

Thank you to Dawn and my mom for supporting me so much. I couldn't have gotten to those 9 miles had it not been for your encouragement and constant inspiration. You are both wonderful women and I appreciate everything about you. You've given me a goal to reach for and I can't thank you enough.

I'll be back tomorrow ready for a second beginning!! 32 lbs down and counting! (No loss in 2 weeks, but no gain either!! I can live with that!)


  1. Failure is not a word to use in describing yourself! You have so many successful accomplishments to be proud of. Sometimes we have to get to the breaking point before we pull back our reins! I knew you were doing too much, but I also knew me talking about it wouldn't change anything for you. Family first ~ but in that priority you can't lose sight of your goals either. You have to be happy to make them happy. Ü I know you will come through this football season just fine and look what you are giving Joey? That SHOULD put a huge smile on your face. It is a huge obligation (a burden at times)but you also know hard work pays off in the end.Now it's time for a picture of what you are doing with your evenings these days.

  2. YOU ARE NOT FAILING!!!! You're a busy mom and we all understand that!

    If you feel like putting that goal to the side will help you, do it. I wouldn't call it giving up; I'd just say you're putting it on hold. I'd def reccomend that you take a moment everynight to just breathe. You have a lot going on, but you do need to have time for yourself...even if it's just stopping to get a tea when you finish a shoot that you worked hard on.

    I'm happy for you, and hope you can build your business, home, family, and body to how you'd like!

    Project Hot Mommy

  3. NO NO NO!!! You have come too far. When is it? Isn't it in August? You are so close. I think I might need to call you. I am e-mailing you right now.

  4. There are two ways to look at this....(I'm very torn on how to respond, so I'm sharing both views):

    1. No one knows your limits like you do. You need to do what is best for you.

    2. I have one marathon under my belt and three half marathons. I know the long runs are brutal and take up most of your weekend. You not only run, you also have to recoup after the run. For people like us - newbies to running - a ten mile run is easily a 2-3 hour chunk of time. But, I will say have completed 9 miles. Your body will go on autopilot for the remaining 4.1 miles. Please believe me...I learned this. Your mind will tell you "I ran 9...I can do 10...I can do 11...what's another 2?"

    Lastly, I ran a marathon weighing 205 pounds. That year, chicago's race was shut down due to the heat and people collapsing from the heat. I had made it to 14 miles when they forced us to stop running because there were no ambulances available. When reality hit that my 7 months of training was for nothing, I cried my eyes out. You would have thought someone had died. But I had worked so hard and accomplished so much. Two weeks later I jumped on a plane and flew to DC to run the Marine Corps marathon. I finished it.

    Let me know what you decide...

  5. Any working mom knows the immense struggle just balancing family and work. Adding your own business, working out, etc., I have no idea how you are doing it.

    I thought 4 oz responded very well. If you truly cannot do it, no biggie! But it sounds like it means sooooo much to you, and it would be awful for you to regret this later on...